We Women are Our Own Worst Enemies...But Could Be Greatest Allies
I have a lot to say on this, so this is going to be long. Part 1 will describe my view of the problem, while Part 2 will suggest a way forward.
This topic has been brewing in my mind for the past month, but I was waiting for stronger inspiration to write about it. Unexpected inspiration came in the form of a rather grown-up response from our teenage son to something I said. We were discussing the conflict in Syria and I said, jokingly, "if the world were ruled by women, there would be no war", to which he replied "true, but there would be lots of silent resentment, petty politics and backstabbing". How true, and how unfortunate!
This topic has been brewing in my mind for the past month, but I was waiting for stronger inspiration to write about it. Unexpected inspiration came in the form of a rather grown-up response from our teenage son to something I said. We were discussing the conflict in Syria and I said, jokingly, "if the world were ruled by women, there would be no war", to which he replied "true, but there would be lots of silent resentment, petty politics and backstabbing". How true, and how unfortunate!
The single biggest - and most shameful - waste of human energy is that which is wasted by women on pulling other women down. If all of the time spent on vicious gossip and "relational aggression" (more on this later), were instead spent on life-saving medical research or say, climate change, we would all have saved the world by now.
The root cause of this is our fundamental lack of self-esteem. And the irony of gender differences in modern society: Too few women have self-esteem, even those who are capable and worthy, whereas a majority of men never doubt their value - even those who should!
There are several avatars of 'wom-enmity' which I list below. Since my younger son is reading Harry Potter right now, I am inclined to use Potter-esque analogies. Disclaimer/ Honest admission - Never having claimed to be perfect myself, I recognize that I manifest some of these avatars occasionally, though I will strive to avoid becoming #1 before my son grows up. The idea here is that by documenting these traits we are motivated to introspect and improve ourselves:
- The Voldemort Avatar - a.k.a. The Remote Controllers: These are the lowliest life forms. They are the slippery, sinister women who feel completely worthless about themselves and therefore put all of their energy into controlling other adults and executing Machiavellian schemes. They are masters of emotional blackmail and manipulation. They believe they have a right to force their way of thinking on everyone. Anyone who doesn't comply is then assailed with either sarcastic barbs or behind-the-back bitching. This unfortunate behavior is inflicted on a wide variety of these women's family members and acquaintances:
a) Their own adult children - Our old friend Voldie does not realize that her grown sons and daughters have flown the nest and should face the world on their own. She therefore feels the need to tell her offspring exactly how to live their lives, exactly what decisions to make, and connives to shape events to her liking. She also jumps in to defend her **helpless** children in the face of (mostly imaginary) threats and insults from others. I have the utmost sympathy for the grown men and women who are targets of controlling mothers.
b) Adult children of their peers/ relatives. This includes daughters-in-law, sons-in- law, nieces and nephews, daughters of friends, etc. In this scenario, the poor lady has tried and failed to make her own adult offspring toe her line or achieve what she wanted, so she tries her best to force other parents to make their own kids less successful. Real-life examples: trying to convince other women in the family that their daughters shouldn't study too much (lest they do better than their own sons and daughters), Or, in the case of women with married sons, the aim is to be a puppeteer, pulling the strings of every aspect of the son's life and marriage. When she does not achieve the control she desires, she proceeds to throw tantrums or make continuous, petty criticisms of every flaw she can find in her non-submissive daughter-in-law or worse, the DIL's parents. I have seen the smartest, most educated, most capable women create unnecessary tension for decades on end just because their attempts to control others were snubbed.
- The Dolores Umbridge Avatar, a.k.a "Her Royal Highness the Queen": As a result of chronic insecurity, the Queen bee type wants everyone who is socially inferior (in her narrow view) to fall at her feet and pay homage. Social inferiority may arise from having less wealth, a smaller house, lower social status, less perfect English, or even less sophisticated manners (again, according to Dolores' logic, not mine). Additionally in the Indian context, social inferiority is automatic for a wife and her parents, who exist for the sole purpose of massaging the Queen's ego and allowing her to feel superior. Any amount of gifts, public praise, and even dowry sometimes is insufficient to satisfy the desi queen bee, and she finds various ways to remind people that she and her family are much in demand and that she could have easily found someone better for her son. It's standard operating procedure, particularly in the desi arranged marriage process. Every so often, she needs to say and do petty things to make sure the inferior people stay in their place. I am sure you can all think of numerous examples of such people. Yuck.
- The Moaning Myrtle Avatar, a.k.a. Chronic Comparers: These people are not really sinister, they're just tiring and I feel sorry for them (not so for #1 and 2 above). The issue here is that they are clutching at anything that gives them a feeling of worth. They are emotionally dependent on social praise and acceptance, so they desperately need validation that their looks, kids, houses, cars, etc. are better than those of everyone around them. The people who casually mention their new Mercedes or Jaguar even when it has nothing to do with the current conversation. The people who immediately jump in to tell you about their kids' or grandkids' latest accomplishments right after you have praised someone else's kids/ grandkids. I have briefly described this avatar in previous posts.
- The SAHMs vs. the Working Mothers: I couldn't think of a Harry Potter analogy for this one. This is one of the most unnecessary rivalries. Come on, ladies - all of us have enough guilt of our own without needing someone else to pile even more on!!
a) Working moms - you need to stop assuming that SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms) have it easier, because staying at home with kids can be emotionally draining. The ability to interact with other adults is limited, as are the opportunities to have adult-level intellectual conversation. And let's not forget, most women want to have some kind of productive work (even if not a professional career) but they have given this up to care for their kids.
I have always felt that being a SAHM is more emotionally tiring, while being a working mom is more physically tiring. I could be wrong.
b) SAHMs/ SAHGMs - you simply must stop making casual 'observations' or faking statements of 'concern' about how the kids of working moms must be less healthy, underfed, missing mommy terribly, have low self-esteem, or some other character flaws. And just to be clear, we DON'T value more money over our kids. So please, stop. Just as you have guilt or disappointment about not being able to have a career, we carry enough guilt about leaving our kids with others. I am sure your kids have benefited from your time, attention, and superior cooking. However, our kids have benefited from seeing an independent role model who can multi-task and supplement the family's income and still be a good mom. There are advantages and disadvantages to both sides. Let's just accept the differences, help each other to the best of our ability, and then get on with our lives.
Finally, I want to address the unique capability which only we women are bestowed with - that of 'relational aggression'. Full disclosure - I came across this term in Forbes magazine article some time ago about how women sabotage each other in the work place. I think it's a brilliantly accurate phrase. Basically, it refers to how women use negative relationship dynamics to manipulate or harm others - e.g. silent treatment, stealing friends, singling out someone who is a threat and turning everyone else against them, pretending to be nice but then spreading vicious gossip behind the person's back...the list goes on. Men, on the other hand, will just have a confrontation (verbal or physical) and settle scores once and for all. Seriously, people, should we not have outgrown this in kindergarten? Or at least in high school? Clearly that hasn't happened for some people.
If we instead come together as a community, become each others' allies and support networks, we stand to gain more as individuals than if we pulled each other down. This is something unique which women can do far more (and better?) than men - forge close bonds, co-operate and not just compete, appreciate rather than criticize, and realize that when another woman does well, it helps pull the rest of us up too.
