Let's Stop Judging Children

As with each one of my blog topics, I've chewed on this one until I felt I had something constructive to say. However, unlike most of my other posts, I feel strongly enough about this one that I will not mince words. Because I am a mom, and this is about kids.

As adults, we must remember that ALL children have the same infinite potential for happiness, kindess, and accomplishment. ALL. Not just your own. Not just the ones who behave the way YOU expect, or think the way YOU think. And especially, not just the ones who are a threat to your own sense of self-worth or accomplishment as a parent.

I have had quite enough of seeing and hearing people gossip about or even make direct remarks to children, with - let's be honest here - the sole purpose of making themselves feel superior.

How dare "grown-ups" use children to bolster their pathetic little egos? 

I am far from perfect, and I do not always apply the ideal principles I've been taught, but nothing angers me more than seeing adults use others' children as step-ladders.

I've wanted to write about this for months now, but a conversation I had with the mother of a child with developmental disabilities last weekend just broke my heart. I felt that I should at least write this for their sake - because there are children and parents who really do suffer at the hands of judgmental adults that they are surrounded by. This mom is clearly a very kind, caring lady who wants the best for her child. Yet she felt the need to keep apologizing for her son's behavior. While I really appreciated that (in this particular group of people) the other moms were extremely understanding, non-judgmental and encouraging, I simultaneously felt sad that most of society has pushed this mother, her child, and her husband to feel "less than" others.

I can only imagine how much tougher it is for families like theirs, when even in 'normal' situations there is enough envy and petty criticism flying around to fill the Pacific Ocean. Recent examples I've seen/ heard:

• Gossip - Often when I go to a birthday party or group event at my son's school, I inevitably hear a parent gossiping about the sub-optimal behavior of one or more of the other kids. I usually do not react. It does make me wonder what they say about my kid to other parents. Do little kids really need to be branded or labeled by the parent grapevine, when they've made mistakes like all kids do? They're kids, for crying out loud!!
  If there really is a serious situation which merits the attention of the other parents and kids, or if other kids are being harmed, I would defer to the teachers to communicate as they see appropriate. Otherwise, it's none of our business.
• Looks/ Physical characteristics - Kids can't change how they look, how tall or short they are, or even their weight. For that matter, their parents can't really influence anything but the last one (assuming they can motivate healthy eating and exercise), and even that is not possible to control 100%. So, let's just stop with the comparisons in general, and particularly on characteristics not under anyone's control. 
• Indirect barbs/ direct criticism - in the context of other peoples' kids. The most harmful thing we can do is single a kid out for personal criticism (either directly to their faces or in the form of a sarcastic barb made within earshot of the child). It is one thing to politely correct behavior (without personal criticism), it is quite another to tell a kid - out of context and in front of other people - that they they do not behave appropriately.
• Being a wet blanket - i.e. hearing some good news or accomplishments related to someone else's kid and then trying their best to take away from the accomplishment. Or questioning the validity of the outcome (e.g. "maybe they cheated? maybe they had an easy test? oh, really? I didn't think so and so was capable"...)

In my zeal to hold my kids accountable for their behavior, I have in the past swung too far in the other direction - i.e. instead of minimizing the damage and/ or standing up for him, I have on occasion heightened my son's embarrassment by questioning/ scolding him in response to another person's public feedback. Next time, I will politely ask the criticizer to discuss their feedback privately, give my son some space to explain what happened, and then perhaps help the criticizer understand him rather than jump to judgmental conclusions. 

[Alternatively, I could allow my self to descend into a state of anger and say "you have absolutely no understanding of my child and keep your judgment to yourself". But I think I will try my best to stay constructive.]

Hopefully I've learned something and will not repeat it. I keep reminding myself - HE IS A CHILD! This does not mean that he can get away with any kind of behavior, but it does mean that I should show him the same respect - and far more compassion - that I do to other adults.

I hope we can remind ourselves every single day that each human being - and especially each child - has the same humanity and divinity that we have inside ourselves. We are fundamentally the same, beneath the surface. And it is unfair and impossible to understand exactly what another parent is going through. 

Let's approach all children with (genuine) appreciation, respect, value, and compassion. For we all know how we felt when WE were kids and were judged by others. Can we please break the cycle? Can we be larger and more generous, rather than small and petty?

(Wom-enemies part 2) There is nothing outside that is not within

Inner Transformation

I have an admission to make. Not that this problem is unique to me or anything. In spite of being an active practitioner of Buddhism, I often struggle to come to terms with people (read: women) who act petty, jealous, or incessantly critical towards me even when I have always been nice to them. Basically, I keep seeing myself as a victim.

When these situations arise, I find myself spending too much mental energy wondering why they're like that, what I did to cause the negativity, and what I can do to make them change....etc. etc. 

I should know better. Well, theoretically I DO know better, but putting knowledge into action is easier said than done.

There is a fundamental belief in some faiths - including my own - that every individual possesses a certain energy, which influences the environment around them. That is, everything in the environment a person faces is a direct reflection of that person's internal 'life state'. 

To illustrate this principle using my own situation:
The fact that other women's 'unprovoked' negativity hurts me so much tells me the following about myself, and about how to solve the problem:
a) That I still have a nagging doubt about my own worth (i.e. the inner 14 year old who thought she was ugly and fat and not good for anything. She has largely been silenced, but occasionally rears her ugly head).
If I was 100% certain of my inner value (referred to as 'buddha nature', in Buddhism), others' negative behavior would have no effect on me.

b) That by sending signals of kindness, compassion, positivity, I can unilaterally transform the relationship with the other person. Regardless of how the other person chooses to behave. By changing my mindset, I can influence the people around me.

I don't mean sending cards or expensive gifts (though those can help too). I mean showing that you as a woman can relate to the other woman's challenges and frustrations. Reminding her of her own value. Making life just a little bit easier, without becoming the person's doormat.

So with the above in mind, here some of my thoughts on how to transform our relationships with the other women in our lives, listed in increasing order of complexity/ effort:

1) Give sincere appreciation: Sincere is the key word here. Take a few moments to point out something nice about the person they are, or better still, the people their kids have become because of them! I would focus the praise on talents/ personality traits but not material/ superficial things like looks, clothes, houses, and cars. Making the other person feel a little bit better about themselves can in turn promote their kindness towards you.

This is not to say that one should use flattery, or show kindness only when you want something in return. That is manipulation, and you will only get manipulation in return. It is pretty obvious to others (especially women) when you are not being genuine.

2) Give acceptance: I mean switching off the judgment and criticism that the person probably gets from everywhere else. Letting her know that you are not judging her and her choices are the right ones for her. Choosing to talk about constructive things (ideas, upcoming events, good food!) rather than destructive things (comparing the kids, showing off about the kids, making jabs disguised as jokes).

3) Give well-being: Small but meaningful treats, like a trip to the spa or a box of their favorite chocolates. These may not immediately (or ever) be reciprocated, but that doesn't matter. If her cup is empty, she will only give resentment to those around her. Best to help her keep it filled!

4) Give back her time: This is the highest form of compliment to any woman. Surely I don't need to explain why?! Volunteering to watch the kids or run an errand or even finding some information for her could be of great value.

I write this, partly, to remind and motivate myself to apply these regularly. 

It is not easy. Achieving an inner transformation never is. But little by little, I remind myself to take small steps...and that the resulting harmony in our relationships with other women is more than worth the effort!