Inner Transformation
I have an admission to make. Not that this problem is unique to me or anything. In spite of being an active practitioner of Buddhism, I often struggle to come to terms with people (read: women) who act petty, jealous, or incessantly critical towards me even when I have always been nice to them. Basically, I keep seeing myself as a victim.
When these situations arise, I find myself spending too much mental energy wondering why they're like that, what I did to cause the negativity, and what I can do to make them change....etc. etc.
When these situations arise, I find myself spending too much mental energy wondering why they're like that, what I did to cause the negativity, and what I can do to make them change....etc. etc.
I should know better. Well, theoretically I DO know better, but putting knowledge into action is easier said than done.
There is a fundamental belief in some faiths - including my own - that every individual possesses a certain energy, which influences the environment around them. That is, everything in the environment a person faces is a direct reflection of that person's internal 'life state'.
To illustrate this principle using my own situation:
The fact that other women's 'unprovoked' negativity hurts me so much tells me the following about myself, and about how to solve the problem:
a) That I still have a nagging doubt about my own worth (i.e. the inner 14 year old who thought she was ugly and fat and not good for anything. She has largely been silenced, but occasionally rears her ugly head).
If I was 100% certain of my inner value (referred to as 'buddha nature', in Buddhism), others' negative behavior would have no effect on me.
b) That by sending signals of kindness, compassion, positivity, I can unilaterally transform the relationship with the other person. Regardless of how the other person chooses to behave. By changing my mindset, I can influence the people around me.
I don't mean sending cards or expensive gifts (though those can help too). I mean showing that you as a woman can relate to the other woman's challenges and frustrations. Reminding her of her own value. Making life just a little bit easier, without becoming the person's doormat.
So with the above in mind, here some of my thoughts on how to transform our relationships with the other women in our lives, listed in increasing order of complexity/ effort:
1) Give sincere appreciation: Sincere is the key word here. Take a few moments to point out something nice about the person they are, or better still, the people their kids have become because of them! I would focus the praise on talents/ personality traits but not material/ superficial things like looks, clothes, houses, and cars. Making the other person feel a little bit better about themselves can in turn promote their kindness towards you.
This is not to say that one should use flattery, or show kindness only when you want something in return. That is manipulation, and you will only get manipulation in return. It is pretty obvious to others (especially women) when you are not being genuine.
2) Give acceptance: I mean switching off the judgment and criticism that the person probably gets from everywhere else. Letting her know that you are not judging her and her choices are the right ones for her. Choosing to talk about constructive things (ideas, upcoming events, good food!) rather than destructive things (comparing the kids, showing off about the kids, making jabs disguised as jokes).
3) Give well-being: Small but meaningful treats, like a trip to the spa or a box of their favorite chocolates. These may not immediately (or ever) be reciprocated, but that doesn't matter. If her cup is empty, she will only give resentment to those around her. Best to help her keep it filled!
4) Give back her time: This is the highest form of compliment to any woman. Surely I don't need to explain why?! Volunteering to watch the kids or run an errand or even finding some information for her could be of great value.
I write this, partly, to remind and motivate myself to apply these regularly.
It is not easy. Achieving an inner transformation never is. But little by little, I remind myself to take small steps...and that the resulting harmony in our relationships with other women is more than worth the effort!
