Twenty Five Years

 

In the summer of 2024, I quietly marked what would have been the twenty-fifth anniversary of my first marriage. An emotionally and verbally abusive, nearly soul-destroying marriage to a narcissist - which I thought I had to stay in and tried to make work for an entire decade of my youth. 

On that anniversary, I spent some time analyzing the many social dynamics that push Indian women into toxic and abusive marriages, and then pressure them to stay. I realized that most if not all of these dynamics and expectations are completely avoidable - IF we have the will to change.

Here are the social root causes I identified. All of these are negative messages we send girls and young women throughout their childhoods and youth. NONE of these are true. 

As a caveat, these are based on my personal experience, and not all of these apply to all women in all social and economic strata of Indian society:

1. "Your worth depends on how you look"

This is the original sin. Moms, Dads, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents - everyone gushes about the fair-skinned little girls with big eyes or other attractive features. Everyone frets about the darker girls, and as early as primary/ elementary school age, they start planning for fairness creams and warn them not to spend time in the sun. 

Of course, it only worsens when the girl reaches her pre-teen years. Those years are already awkward but made worse by well-meaning grandmothers, or not-so-well-meaning aunts and family friends (who want their own daughters to be more desirable in the marriage market) commenting on hair that isn't perfectly straight or a figure that isn't that of a model. Usually, older women comment on features in young women that they hate about their own bodies. 

2.  "Your worth depends on who you marry, and by when"

I belong to Gen X and I am sure many of my contemporaries grew up hearing that if we didn't get married by a certain age we would never get married. The "certain age" was a dependent variable that was a function of your education level, the family's overall attitude towards their girls' life paths, in some cases an astrologer's interpretation of your horoscope, and the norms prescribed by the larger community you belonged to.

In my case that drop-dead age was 25. Somehow, whatever it took, I needed to get married by then because an astrologer had said that Saturn would delay my marriage until the age of (gasp!) 30 if I didn't take advantage of the pre-25 window.

3. "Your value as a woman in the marriage market is inversely proportional to your income and qualifications"

This is a big one. Apparently, the more a man earns the more in-demand he is by prospective brides, but the exact opposite is true for high-achieving women. So when I was completing my Master's degree from a top university in the U.S., and had four attractive job offers, a lot of the men my parents would connect me with as arranged marriage prospects would back away after they looked up the ranking of my school and the average post-graduate starting salary.

It didn't help that a female relative of mine - who was genuinely well-meaning and cared for me - kept telling my mom that she knew a friend's daughter who had graduated from the best B-school (at the time) in India, was scaring men away as a result, and at the ripe old age of 29 still remained unmarried!

My parents finally found one man who was better qualified than me, earned slightly more than me, was attractive, charming, and said all the right things. At that point, my Dad (despite being the kindest and most progressive man I know of his generation) felt enough pressure to tell me "You won't get another guy like this, you should go for him". So I did. And there began the nightmare.

4. "You have to stay for the sake of the kid(s)"

Not true. In fact, decades of research show that remaining in a home where kids witness abuse of any kind leads those kids to grow up into (best case) low self-esteem, traumatized adults, and (worst case) abusers themselves.

My breaking point came one evening when my then-husband was amid an (as usual) irrational screaming outburst. I walked away and went upstairs to get away from his craziness. Then, I proceeded to start bath time for my toddler. The narcissist got so enraged that I had the gall to walk away from him, that he ran upstairs and dashed into the bathroom screaming - all this while not caring that he basically ended up screaming in our 18-month old son's face. The baby naturally was scared out of his wits and started crying and screaming. 

At that point, I realized that this man had NO conscience, and didn't mind behaving abusively to me in front of the child. That was what gave me the courage to get away.

5. "Be careful - they'll call you a 'loose woman' now that you're divorced"

So this one turned out to be 100% true. Our culture, sadly, is so misogynistic and patriarchal that when a woman shows the courage to get out of a bad marriage, many other men and women feel threatened. In some cases, they are feeling envious but can't admit it. I lost count of the number of men both in my professional environment and social circles who hinted when I got promoted at work, that I hadn't done anything to deserve it so "it must be because of something else". I had a few women and one man in my social circle immediately start being rude and making their disapproval of my choices known. Worst of all, many many men in my company - regardless of marital status and ethnicity - automatically assumed that I was "available" and went out of their way to suggest I meet them for "a drink". Even at company conferences and events. I even ended up with a married Indian male colleague - someone at a higher level than me - stalking me with multiple calls after I had told him to stop and threatened to report him to HR.

So - what is the point of my writing all of this? It's not to attract pity from people a full 15+ years after I got out of that hell.

The point is to raise awareness and to encourage younger generations to intentionally shield their daughters from these negative messages. To support them in building a health self-esteem and encourage them to become financially and emotionally independent - regardless of what path they choose for their lives.

Most importantly - for those of us with SONS to raise them around secure, balanced male role models who respect the women in their lives. To raise them with the expectation that they will do an equal share of housework and treat girls as equals. To see their mothers be self-assured and charting their own paths through life.

We can do this. We as a society MUST do this to end the cycle of abuse. 

Let's Stop Judging Children

As with each one of my blog topics, I've chewed on this one until I felt I had something constructive to say. However, unlike most of my other posts, I feel strongly enough about this one that I will not mince words. Because I am a mom, and this is about kids.

As adults, we must remember that ALL children have the same infinite potential for happiness, kindess, and accomplishment. ALL. Not just your own. Not just the ones who behave the way YOU expect, or think the way YOU think. And especially, not just the ones who are a threat to your own sense of self-worth or accomplishment as a parent.

I have had quite enough of seeing and hearing people gossip about or even make direct remarks to children, with - let's be honest here - the sole purpose of making themselves feel superior.

How dare "grown-ups" use children to bolster their pathetic little egos? 

I am far from perfect, and I do not always apply the ideal principles I've been taught, but nothing angers me more than seeing adults use others' children as step-ladders.

I've wanted to write about this for months now, but a conversation I had with the mother of a child with developmental disabilities last weekend just broke my heart. I felt that I should at least write this for their sake - because there are children and parents who really do suffer at the hands of judgmental adults that they are surrounded by. This mom is clearly a very kind, caring lady who wants the best for her child. Yet she felt the need to keep apologizing for her son's behavior. While I really appreciated that (in this particular group of people) the other moms were extremely understanding, non-judgmental and encouraging, I simultaneously felt sad that most of society has pushed this mother, her child, and her husband to feel "less than" others.

I can only imagine how much tougher it is for families like theirs, when even in 'normal' situations there is enough envy and petty criticism flying around to fill the Pacific Ocean. Recent examples I've seen/ heard:

• Gossip - Often when I go to a birthday party or group event at my son's school, I inevitably hear a parent gossiping about the sub-optimal behavior of one or more of the other kids. I usually do not react. It does make me wonder what they say about my kid to other parents. Do little kids really need to be branded or labeled by the parent grapevine, when they've made mistakes like all kids do? They're kids, for crying out loud!!
  If there really is a serious situation which merits the attention of the other parents and kids, or if other kids are being harmed, I would defer to the teachers to communicate as they see appropriate. Otherwise, it's none of our business.
• Looks/ Physical characteristics - Kids can't change how they look, how tall or short they are, or even their weight. For that matter, their parents can't really influence anything but the last one (assuming they can motivate healthy eating and exercise), and even that is not possible to control 100%. So, let's just stop with the comparisons in general, and particularly on characteristics not under anyone's control. 
• Indirect barbs/ direct criticism - in the context of other peoples' kids. The most harmful thing we can do is single a kid out for personal criticism (either directly to their faces or in the form of a sarcastic barb made within earshot of the child). It is one thing to politely correct behavior (without personal criticism), it is quite another to tell a kid - out of context and in front of other people - that they they do not behave appropriately.
• Being a wet blanket - i.e. hearing some good news or accomplishments related to someone else's kid and then trying their best to take away from the accomplishment. Or questioning the validity of the outcome (e.g. "maybe they cheated? maybe they had an easy test? oh, really? I didn't think so and so was capable"...)

In my zeal to hold my kids accountable for their behavior, I have in the past swung too far in the other direction - i.e. instead of minimizing the damage and/ or standing up for him, I have on occasion heightened my son's embarrassment by questioning/ scolding him in response to another person's public feedback. Next time, I will politely ask the criticizer to discuss their feedback privately, give my son some space to explain what happened, and then perhaps help the criticizer understand him rather than jump to judgmental conclusions. 

[Alternatively, I could allow my self to descend into a state of anger and say "you have absolutely no understanding of my child and keep your judgment to yourself". But I think I will try my best to stay constructive.]

Hopefully I've learned something and will not repeat it. I keep reminding myself - HE IS A CHILD! This does not mean that he can get away with any kind of behavior, but it does mean that I should show him the same respect - and far more compassion - that I do to other adults.

I hope we can remind ourselves every single day that each human being - and especially each child - has the same humanity and divinity that we have inside ourselves. We are fundamentally the same, beneath the surface. And it is unfair and impossible to understand exactly what another parent is going through. 

Let's approach all children with (genuine) appreciation, respect, value, and compassion. For we all know how we felt when WE were kids and were judged by others. Can we please break the cycle? Can we be larger and more generous, rather than small and petty?

(Wom-enemies part 2) There is nothing outside that is not within

Inner Transformation

I have an admission to make. Not that this problem is unique to me or anything. In spite of being an active practitioner of Buddhism, I often struggle to come to terms with people (read: women) who act petty, jealous, or incessantly critical towards me even when I have always been nice to them. Basically, I keep seeing myself as a victim.

When these situations arise, I find myself spending too much mental energy wondering why they're like that, what I did to cause the negativity, and what I can do to make them change....etc. etc. 

I should know better. Well, theoretically I DO know better, but putting knowledge into action is easier said than done.

There is a fundamental belief in some faiths - including my own - that every individual possesses a certain energy, which influences the environment around them. That is, everything in the environment a person faces is a direct reflection of that person's internal 'life state'. 

To illustrate this principle using my own situation:
The fact that other women's 'unprovoked' negativity hurts me so much tells me the following about myself, and about how to solve the problem:
a) That I still have a nagging doubt about my own worth (i.e. the inner 14 year old who thought she was ugly and fat and not good for anything. She has largely been silenced, but occasionally rears her ugly head).
If I was 100% certain of my inner value (referred to as 'buddha nature', in Buddhism), others' negative behavior would have no effect on me.

b) That by sending signals of kindness, compassion, positivity, I can unilaterally transform the relationship with the other person. Regardless of how the other person chooses to behave. By changing my mindset, I can influence the people around me.

I don't mean sending cards or expensive gifts (though those can help too). I mean showing that you as a woman can relate to the other woman's challenges and frustrations. Reminding her of her own value. Making life just a little bit easier, without becoming the person's doormat.

So with the above in mind, here some of my thoughts on how to transform our relationships with the other women in our lives, listed in increasing order of complexity/ effort:

1) Give sincere appreciation: Sincere is the key word here. Take a few moments to point out something nice about the person they are, or better still, the people their kids have become because of them! I would focus the praise on talents/ personality traits but not material/ superficial things like looks, clothes, houses, and cars. Making the other person feel a little bit better about themselves can in turn promote their kindness towards you.

This is not to say that one should use flattery, or show kindness only when you want something in return. That is manipulation, and you will only get manipulation in return. It is pretty obvious to others (especially women) when you are not being genuine.

2) Give acceptance: I mean switching off the judgment and criticism that the person probably gets from everywhere else. Letting her know that you are not judging her and her choices are the right ones for her. Choosing to talk about constructive things (ideas, upcoming events, good food!) rather than destructive things (comparing the kids, showing off about the kids, making jabs disguised as jokes).

3) Give well-being: Small but meaningful treats, like a trip to the spa or a box of their favorite chocolates. These may not immediately (or ever) be reciprocated, but that doesn't matter. If her cup is empty, she will only give resentment to those around her. Best to help her keep it filled!

4) Give back her time: This is the highest form of compliment to any woman. Surely I don't need to explain why?! Volunteering to watch the kids or run an errand or even finding some information for her could be of great value.

I write this, partly, to remind and motivate myself to apply these regularly. 

It is not easy. Achieving an inner transformation never is. But little by little, I remind myself to take small steps...and that the resulting harmony in our relationships with other women is more than worth the effort!

Wom-enemies (part 1)

We Women are Our Own Worst Enemies...But Could Be Greatest Allies

I have a lot to say on this, so this is going to be long. Part 1 will describe my view of the problem, while Part 2 will suggest a way forward.

This topic has been brewing in my mind for the past month, but I was waiting for stronger inspiration to write about it. Unexpected inspiration came in the form of a rather grown-up response from our teenage son to something I said. We were discussing the conflict in Syria and I said, jokingly, "if the world were ruled by women, there would be no war", to which he replied "true, but there would be lots of silent resentment, petty politics and backstabbing". How true, and how unfortunate!

The single biggest - and most shameful - waste of human energy is that which is wasted by women on pulling other women down. If all of the time spent on vicious gossip and "relational aggression" (more on this later), were instead spent on life-saving medical research or say, climate change, we would all have saved the world by now.

The root cause of this is our fundamental lack of self-esteem. And the irony of gender differences in modern society: Too few women have self-esteem, even those who are capable and worthy, whereas a majority of men never doubt their value - even those who should!

There are several avatars of 'wom-enmity' which I list below. Since my younger son is reading Harry Potter right now, I am inclined to use Potter-esque analogies. Disclaimer/ Honest admission - Never having claimed to be perfect myself, I recognize that I manifest some of these avatars occasionally, though I will strive to avoid becoming #1 before my son grows up. The idea here is that by documenting these traits we are motivated to introspect and improve ourselves:

1. The Voldemort Avatar - a.k.a. The Remote Controllers: These are the lowliest life forms. They are the slippery, sinister women who feel completely worthless about themselves and therefore put all of their energy into controlling other adults and executing Machiavellian schemes. They are masters of emotional blackmail and manipulation. They believe they have a right to force their way of thinking on everyone. Anyone who doesn't comply is then assailed with either sarcastic barbs or behind-the-back bitching. This unfortunate behavior is inflicted on a wide variety of these women's family members and acquaintances:
   
   a) Their own adult children - Our old friend Voldie does not realize that her grown sons and daughters have flown the nest and should face the world on their own. She therefore feels the need to tell her offspring exactly how to live their lives, exactly what decisions to make, and connives to shape events to her liking.  She also jumps in to defend her **helpless** children  in the face of (mostly imaginary) threats and insults from others. I have the utmost sympathy for the grown men and women who are targets of controlling mothers.
   b) Adult children of their peers/ relatives. This includes daughters-in-law, sons-in- law, nieces and nephews, daughters of friends, etc. In this scenario, the poor lady has tried and failed to make her own adult offspring toe her line or achieve what she wanted, so she tries her best to force other parents to make their own kids less successful. Real-life examples: trying to convince other women in the family that their daughters shouldn't study too much (lest they do better than their own sons and daughters), Or, in the case of women with married sons, the aim is to be a puppeteer, pulling the strings of every aspect of the son's life and marriage. When she does not achieve the control she desires, she proceeds to throw tantrums or make continuous, petty criticisms of every flaw she can find in her non-submissive daughter-in-law or worse, the DIL's parents. I have seen the smartest, most educated, most capable women create unnecessary tension for decades on end just because their attempts to control others were snubbed.
      
2. The Dolores Umbridge Avatar, a.k.a "Her Royal Highness the Queen": As a result of chronic insecurity, the Queen bee type wants everyone who is socially inferior (in her narrow view) to fall at her feet and pay homage. Social inferiority may arise from having less wealth, a smaller house, lower social status, less perfect English, or even less sophisticated manners (again, according to Dolores' logic, not mine). Additionally in the Indian context, social inferiority is automatic for a wife and her parents, who exist for the sole purpose of massaging the Queen's ego and allowing her to feel superior. Any amount of gifts, public praise, and even dowry sometimes is insufficient to satisfy the desi queen bee, and she finds various ways to remind people that she and her family are much in demand and that she could have easily found someone better for her son. It's standard operating procedure, particularly in the desi arranged marriage process. Every so often, she needs to say and do petty things to make sure the inferior people stay in their place. I am sure you can all think of numerous examples of such people. Yuck.
3. The Moaning Myrtle Avatar, a.k.a. Chronic Comparers: These people are not really sinister, they're just tiring and I feel sorry for them (not so for #1 and 2 above). The issue here is that they are clutching at anything that gives them a feeling of worth. They are emotionally dependent on social praise and acceptance, so they desperately need validation that their looks, kids, houses, cars, etc. are better than those of everyone around them. The people who casually mention their new Mercedes or Jaguar even when it has nothing to do with the current conversation. The people who immediately jump in to tell you about their kids' or grandkids' latest accomplishments right after you have praised someone else's kids/ grandkids. I have briefly described this avatar in previous posts.
4. The SAHMs vs. the Working Mothers: I couldn't think of a Harry Potter analogy for this one. This is one of the most unnecessary rivalries. Come on, ladies - all of us have enough guilt of our own without needing someone else to pile even more on!!
   a) Working moms - you need to stop assuming that SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms) have it easier, because staying at home with kids can be emotionally draining. The ability to interact with other adults is limited, as are the opportunities to have adult-level intellectual conversation. And let's not forget, most women want to have some kind of productive work (even if not a professional career) but they have given this up to care for their kids.
   
   I have always felt that being a SAHM is more emotionally tiring, while being a working mom is more physically tiring. I could be wrong.
   
   b) SAHMs/ SAHGMs - you simply must stop making casual 'observations' or faking statements of 'concern' about how the kids of working moms must be less healthy, underfed, missing mommy terribly, have low self-esteem, or some other character flaws. And just to be clear, we DON'T value more money over our kids. So please, stop. Just as you have guilt or disappointment about not being able to have a career,  we carry enough guilt about leaving our kids with others. I am sure your kids have benefited from your time, attention, and superior cooking. However, our kids have benefited from seeing an independent role model who can multi-task and supplement the family's income and still be a good mom. There are advantages and disadvantages to both sides. Let's just accept the differences, help each other to the best of our ability, and then get on with our lives.

Finally, I want to address the unique capability which only we women are bestowed with - that of 'relational aggression'. Full disclosure - I came across this term in  Forbes magazine article some time ago about how women sabotage each other in the work place. I think it's a brilliantly accurate phrase. Basically, it refers to how women use negative relationship dynamics to manipulate or harm others - e.g. silent treatment, stealing friends, singling out someone who is a threat and turning everyone else against them, pretending to be nice but then spreading vicious gossip behind the person's back...the list goes on. Men, on the other hand, will just have a confrontation (verbal or physical) and settle scores once and for all. Seriously, people, should we not have outgrown this in kindergarten? Or at least in high school? Clearly that hasn't happened for some people. 

If we instead come together as a community, become each others' allies and support networks, we stand to gain more as individuals than if we pulled each other down. This is something unique which women can do far more (and better?) than men - forge close bonds, co-operate and not just compete, appreciate rather than criticize, and realize that when another woman does well, it helps pull the rest of us up too.

Independence - Part 2

Wonder Women

I had to think even more than usual about this one - it was much easier to just rattle off the list of men who have supported me through the years. I wondered why, then realized it's just about expectations. My expectations, based on social and emotional conditioning. I guess we as a society don't expect most men to be emotionally intelligent and supportive of women, so when they do, we (or at least I) find it remarkable and praise-worthy. When women around us are supportive, we (yes, women) take it for granted. 

Well, here's my little bit to help reverse that trend. A tribute to my female role models and empower-ers (yes I know that's not a real word).

Independence role model #1 - Mom

My mom is fiercely independent, extremely hard working, holds herself to extremely high standards, and never gives up on a goal. Fiercely independent, because she will rarely let anyone tell her what to do. It's a gift. If I had had more of this gift, a lot of choices I've made in life would have been different (and better).

Mom has had a much harder path in life than any person I know. She started out in life with one disability, yet she got a college degree, and went to work to support her family when she was 18, then finished up college later. Later, as the mom of a 5 year old, she found out she had yet another disability, yet persevered with work and study. She works hard to do her best every single day, even with mundane things like housework and cooking. She is a great cook, btw. Whatever tenacity I have, I get from my mom. 

Independence role model #2 - Grandma

Yes, the same grandma who didn't like my skin color and various other physical attributes. I know she loved me and wanted the best for me. From age 28 onwards she was a single mother with no education and no money. Yet, she brought up 4 kids with dignity and courage. She would never take crap from anyone, always spoke her mind, and made sure her two daughters finished college (at a time when a lot of families still didn't think finishing degrees was important for their daughters). She also made sure that every one of her granddaughters became a successful professional. Her "99% is not enough on a test" comments were not just reserved for the grandsons. And she never once said anything to remotely suggest that getting married was the be all and end all of a girl's life. She never once worried or fretted about the need for me to get married early. Her concerns about my looks were more about, when I did decided to get married, whether or not I'd find anyone. Never ever about rushing the process.

For that matter, no one in my mom's family has ever suggested directly or indirectly that we girls should put marriage above everything else. At least not to my knowledge. As a result, all of the girls (my cousins) are incredibly smart, hard working, super-accomplished women, great role models, and have always been an inspiration to me.

When I met my grandma for the first time after I got divorced, she held my shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said "be brave, don't be afraid of anyone or anything. You are going to be fine". No questions, no judgement, no pity. Just plain encouragement. How many Indian women born in the 1920s would have that attitude?

#3 - My college friends (you know who you are)

Amazing, Awesome, Accomplished, Ambitious. I ran out of 'A's. Also, down to earth, fun, and uncomplicated. People who generally shared my values. And were all-around fun! Especially (but not limited to) the other 3 members of the gang who some guy labeled 'the Fearsome Foursome' (thanks for the compliment, guy!). 

Girls who had the guts to do what they were interested in, even if it wasn't the popular thing to do - e.g. sticking with a particular branch of engineering that was supposedly not female-friendly, rather than change to computer engg. or electronics like everyone else was (including me). Heading to the US for grad school in spite of pressure to get married before going. Or, having the guts to stand up to harassment from a criminally-inclined perverted fellow student from Bihar.   Showing natural leadership and organizing ability in a 90% male-dominated environment. And not being guy-crazed, at a time when a lot of girls can be guy-crazed. Very much head-on-shoulders (until they met the men they married, at which point anyone can be excused for being swept away :-) My batchmates, as well as some seniors and juniors. They lived (and still live) life on their own terms. 

When I met you girls, at the ripe old age of 18, I finally felt like I fit in. Hugs and gratitude to you all!

#4 - The Singapore Sisterhood of Supportive, Savvy, Sensible, Stylish Moms

I was going to add another adjective starting with 'S', but thought the better of it. Again, you know who you all are. Hey, three of your names start with 'S'!
(alright, i'll stop with the alliteration).

So 'S' number 1 - one of my best pals (though also a cousin). Always there for me, in the best and worst of times.  Someone who, the very first time I spoke to her, I chatted with for over half an hour! It was a natural fit. An awesome friend, and an even awesomer mom. So what if we're both only children? She's like the sister I never had.

My party pal gals. The ones who would always be game to go out and party almost every weekend, after all our kids were safely tucked in bed. All hail the US Navy ;-) Thank you for keeping my spirits alive, your super-cool moms.

Another pal who always appealed to my independent streak. World traveler, adventurer, trusted secret-keeper, lots-of-messaging-on-whatsapp-er. Love your spirit.

Last but certainly not least, a few good friends from the last condo we lived in. Again, fun, accepting, smart, take-no-prisoners attitude. One invited me in for tea 30 seconds after I'd met her in the lift. Another introduced me to a life-changing spiritual practice. And two others who were moms of my son's closest friends, and took care of him when I had to travel, and who were always game to have him over to play. How I wish I'd been there longer to get you know you all more!

#5 - My Mother In Law

Let me be clear. I wasn't desperate or lonely or miserable or any of those cliches. I did not go looking for a man. But there just happened to be a very broad-minded friend of my mom's, who also kind of knew me, and who could see me as a normal human being who was worth something (well, maybe the 'normal' part is questionable). But she did not just think of me as some pathetic-throw-away-divorced-woman-with-a-kid (like much of our wonderful society did).  

She suggested that her son re-connect with me. He did (thank goodness for Facebook). We became best friends, then more, then got married. 

And no, for the cynics amongst you, this is not just flattery. You should know me better than that.

Independence - Part 1(b)

The Independence Movement

Part 1(b): 'Super Men' Who Support Me

I have been incredibly lucky to have wonderful men in my life, young and old, who have given me strength and courage during my journey. I want to express gratitude and let them know how blessed I am to have them. I also hope that other men are inspired to be as much of a treasure to their wives, daughters, sisters and mothers as mine have been to me. I will try not to cry as I write this. And since I have been brought up in a somewhat superstitious family - knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood for all of these blessings.

• My amazing father. The kindest, toughest, most compassionate, most courageous soul I know. A REAL man and real-life superhero. For those of you familiar with my Buddhist practice, he is a true "boddhisattva". If it wasn't for my dad, I wouldn't have had even a fraction of the spiritual understanding, resilience, and optimism that has kept me going through my life. My mom was a huge supporter and cheerleader for me, but if Dad hadn't allowed me the room to grow, yet another female spark would have been snuffed out. He has always had the guts to do what was right for me, even if it went against conventional wisdom, and when he had hundreds of well-meaning (and not-so-well-meaning) people offering contrary advice.

• My amazing husband. What can I say here without embarrassing him? He's my best friend, and his default attitude is to let me be me. He wants me to do my best and live my dreams. His calmness balances out my constant need to do things. He says I'm a role model (and I'm pretty sure he means it). I am floored by that one.
  
• (so much for not crying while writing this)

• My amazing sons. Both of them. Our young man who is starting high school this month, for being a sweet, mature, helpful big brother and overall easygoing kid who doesn't complain about my cooking, or about much else, for that matter. And our little one who shows understanding and compassion far beyond his 8 years. He makes me smile every day, and even goes around telling his friends he's proud of the work his mommy is doing (as long as I don't spend too much time in the office :-)

• My uncles (maternal and paternal), and my father-in-law. I've grouped them because they're similar in their attitudes towards me. Mostly non-judgmental, supportive people who always have time to talk to me and take an interest in my life. They are never critical or disapproving, always kind and appreciative.

• My (cousin) brothers - I used to feel bad that I didn't have brothers, but then I found that I actually do. So what if they are technically cousins. great guys who love teasing me but equally love providing support and encouragement (and entertainment and cricket news and gourmet recipes and good company for my boys)!

• My friends. The men, I mean (I will dedicate an entire post to my girl friends!). Having gone to a 90% male engineering college, followed by business school and workplaces that have been predominantly male, I have a good number of male friends who I value.  They have been supportive and helpful (in times of need) and just plain good company (in times of fun!). I am lucky for having had classmates and colleagues who have been friends for years, and will be for many more.

 

Independence - Part 1(a)

The Independence Movement

Part 1a:  What Women's Independence Means for Me

On the eve of India's 67th Independence Day, I have been thinking quite a bit about what freedom and independence mean for women, and why they SHOULD mean something. Also, what factors would make, and break, a successful movement for women's equality. My focus is on the Indian cultural context, but I'm sure a lot of this applies to other cultures as well.

So what do I mean by independence for women?

1. Above all, Emotional independence. This is a basic requirement for happiness for anyone, male or female, married or single. The more someone depends on someone else's actions/ support/ approval to be happy, the less control they have over their own emotions, and the less secure they feel. This, in turn, means that they 

a) cling more desperately to their spouses/ kids/ parents/ friends, trying desperately to control their actions and even their thoughts. Or, 

b) they spend countless hours convincing themselves and others why other peoples' kids/ husbands/ in-laws/ decisions/ looks/ houses/ clothes/ jewelry/ etc. etc. are not as good as theirs.

I will admit that at times in my life, I have been somewhat guilty of (a). I'm human and I'm still learning. But not really (b) though - I don't think that's me. Which is why (b) irritates the heck out of me. What a waste of a brain, precious time, and energy.

2. Independence of expression. The right to have an opinion (even if it differs from the 'mainstream' or that of the men in the family), to voice it (without fear of retribution), to be heard, and to make decisions. Not to make decisions for other adults, but for themselves, and for their children. In some cases these should be joint decisions, in some cases women should have the freedom to make their own choices. Why? Because every human being needs to feel like they have some control and some worth in their own lives. Otherwise, they are no different from slaves or animals.

3. Physical independence. Control over their own bodies, and the ability to get around without having to be in fear or be dependent on men to protect them. I won't get into detail on the 'control over one's own body' topic. There is plenty of opinion in the media on that nowadays. What may not be clear to everyone is that lack of physical safety and freedom of movement has a real economic and social cost. Economic, because women (like me) who need to travel on work find themselves unable to go places they need to go alone. Which means we need extra security (costs money) or extra personnel (male colleagues who can go instead of the women (again, costs money). Social cost, because then the travel-constrained women are held back in their career development, or simply unable to go out and socialize as much as they would like. Isolation is not good for any society.

4. Financial independence. There is a reason I've listed this last - because in the absence of 1 through 3 above, #4 doesn't mean much. By advocating financial independence, I don't mean that stay-at-home moms are any less worthy than working women. I do think, however, that every woman should have:

a) the ability to earn a comfortable income if she so chooses (or is forced to choose by circumstance). If she chooses not to work, that's fine. But she needs to have the ability to support herself and others if the need arises.

b) a basic understanding of where and how money is being earned, spent, and saved.

What do I NOT mean by women's independence?

I do not ascribe to any philosophy which suggests men should be inferior to women, or makes it ok for women to blame men for everything that is wrong in their lives. We need mutual respect in order to co-exist. I think the right kind of men can be good allies in our movement for freedom.

Having described my definition of independence, I will next give credit to the allies who have helped me get the independence I have.