Independence - Part 2

Wonder Women

I had to think even more than usual about this one - it was much easier to just rattle off the list of men who have supported me through the years. I wondered why, then realized it's just about expectations. My expectations, based on social and emotional conditioning. I guess we as a society don't expect most men to be emotionally intelligent and supportive of women, so when they do, we (or at least I) find it remarkable and praise-worthy. When women around us are supportive, we (yes, women) take it for granted. 

Well, here's my little bit to help reverse that trend. A tribute to my female role models and empower-ers (yes I know that's not a real word).

Independence role model #1 - Mom

My mom is fiercely independent, extremely hard working, holds herself to extremely high standards, and never gives up on a goal. Fiercely independent, because she will rarely let anyone tell her what to do. It's a gift. If I had had more of this gift, a lot of choices I've made in life would have been different (and better).

Mom has had a much harder path in life than any person I know. She started out in life with one disability, yet she got a college degree, and went to work to support her family when she was 18, then finished up college later. Later, as the mom of a 5 year old, she found out she had yet another disability, yet persevered with work and study. She works hard to do her best every single day, even with mundane things like housework and cooking. She is a great cook, btw. Whatever tenacity I have, I get from my mom. 

Independence role model #2 - Grandma

Yes, the same grandma who didn't like my skin color and various other physical attributes. I know she loved me and wanted the best for me. From age 28 onwards she was a single mother with no education and no money. Yet, she brought up 4 kids with dignity and courage. She would never take crap from anyone, always spoke her mind, and made sure her two daughters finished college (at a time when a lot of families still didn't think finishing degrees was important for their daughters). She also made sure that every one of her granddaughters became a successful professional. Her "99% is not enough on a test" comments were not just reserved for the grandsons. And she never once said anything to remotely suggest that getting married was the be all and end all of a girl's life. She never once worried or fretted about the need for me to get married early. Her concerns about my looks were more about, when I did decided to get married, whether or not I'd find anyone. Never ever about rushing the process.

For that matter, no one in my mom's family has ever suggested directly or indirectly that we girls should put marriage above everything else. At least not to my knowledge. As a result, all of the girls (my cousins) are incredibly smart, hard working, super-accomplished women, great role models, and have always been an inspiration to me.

When I met my grandma for the first time after I got divorced, she held my shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said "be brave, don't be afraid of anyone or anything. You are going to be fine". No questions, no judgement, no pity. Just plain encouragement. How many Indian women born in the 1920s would have that attitude?

#3 - My college friends (you know who you are)

Amazing, Awesome, Accomplished, Ambitious. I ran out of 'A's. Also, down to earth, fun, and uncomplicated. People who generally shared my values. And were all-around fun! Especially (but not limited to) the other 3 members of the gang who some guy labeled 'the Fearsome Foursome' (thanks for the compliment, guy!). 

Girls who had the guts to do what they were interested in, even if it wasn't the popular thing to do - e.g. sticking with a particular branch of engineering that was supposedly not female-friendly, rather than change to computer engg. or electronics like everyone else was (including me). Heading to the US for grad school in spite of pressure to get married before going. Or, having the guts to stand up to harassment from a criminally-inclined perverted fellow student from Bihar.   Showing natural leadership and organizing ability in a 90% male-dominated environment. And not being guy-crazed, at a time when a lot of girls can be guy-crazed. Very much head-on-shoulders (until they met the men they married, at which point anyone can be excused for being swept away :-) My batchmates, as well as some seniors and juniors. They lived (and still live) life on their own terms. 

When I met you girls, at the ripe old age of 18, I finally felt like I fit in. Hugs and gratitude to you all!

#4 - The Singapore Sisterhood of Supportive, Savvy, Sensible, Stylish Moms

I was going to add another adjective starting with 'S', but thought the better of it. Again, you know who you all are. Hey, three of your names start with 'S'!
(alright, i'll stop with the alliteration).

So 'S' number 1 - one of my best pals (though also a cousin). Always there for me, in the best and worst of times.  Someone who, the very first time I spoke to her, I chatted with for over half an hour! It was a natural fit. An awesome friend, and an even awesomer mom. So what if we're both only children? She's like the sister I never had.

My party pal gals. The ones who would always be game to go out and party almost every weekend, after all our kids were safely tucked in bed. All hail the US Navy ;-) Thank you for keeping my spirits alive, your super-cool moms.

Another pal who always appealed to my independent streak. World traveler, adventurer, trusted secret-keeper, lots-of-messaging-on-whatsapp-er. Love your spirit.

Last but certainly not least, a few good friends from the last condo we lived in. Again, fun, accepting, smart, take-no-prisoners attitude. One invited me in for tea 30 seconds after I'd met her in the lift. Another introduced me to a life-changing spiritual practice. And two others who were moms of my son's closest friends, and took care of him when I had to travel, and who were always game to have him over to play. How I wish I'd been there longer to get you know you all more!

#5 - My Mother In Law

Let me be clear. I wasn't desperate or lonely or miserable or any of those cliches. I did not go looking for a man. But there just happened to be a very broad-minded friend of my mom's, who also kind of knew me, and who could see me as a normal human being who was worth something (well, maybe the 'normal' part is questionable). But she did not just think of me as some pathetic-throw-away-divorced-woman-with-a-kid (like much of our wonderful society did).  

She suggested that her son re-connect with me. He did (thank goodness for Facebook). We became best friends, then more, then got married. 

And no, for the cynics amongst you, this is not just flattery. You should know me better than that.