Independence - Part 2

Wonder Women

I had to think even more than usual about this one - it was much easier to just rattle off the list of men who have supported me through the years. I wondered why, then realized it's just about expectations. My expectations, based on social and emotional conditioning. I guess we as a society don't expect most men to be emotionally intelligent and supportive of women, so when they do, we (or at least I) find it remarkable and praise-worthy. When women around us are supportive, we (yes, women) take it for granted. 

Well, here's my little bit to help reverse that trend. A tribute to my female role models and empower-ers (yes I know that's not a real word).

Independence role model #1 - Mom

My mom is fiercely independent, extremely hard working, holds herself to extremely high standards, and never gives up on a goal. Fiercely independent, because she will rarely let anyone tell her what to do. It's a gift. If I had had more of this gift, a lot of choices I've made in life would have been different (and better).

Mom has had a much harder path in life than any person I know. She started out in life with one disability, yet she got a college degree, and went to work to support her family when she was 18, then finished up college later. Later, as the mom of a 5 year old, she found out she had yet another disability, yet persevered with work and study. She works hard to do her best every single day, even with mundane things like housework and cooking. She is a great cook, btw. Whatever tenacity I have, I get from my mom. 

Independence role model #2 - Grandma

Yes, the same grandma who didn't like my skin color and various other physical attributes. I know she loved me and wanted the best for me. From age 28 onwards she was a single mother with no education and no money. Yet, she brought up 4 kids with dignity and courage. She would never take crap from anyone, always spoke her mind, and made sure her two daughters finished college (at a time when a lot of families still didn't think finishing degrees was important for their daughters). She also made sure that every one of her granddaughters became a successful professional. Her "99% is not enough on a test" comments were not just reserved for the grandsons. And she never once said anything to remotely suggest that getting married was the be all and end all of a girl's life. She never once worried or fretted about the need for me to get married early. Her concerns about my looks were more about, when I did decided to get married, whether or not I'd find anyone. Never ever about rushing the process.

For that matter, no one in my mom's family has ever suggested directly or indirectly that we girls should put marriage above everything else. At least not to my knowledge. As a result, all of the girls (my cousins) are incredibly smart, hard working, super-accomplished women, great role models, and have always been an inspiration to me.

When I met my grandma for the first time after I got divorced, she held my shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said "be brave, don't be afraid of anyone or anything. You are going to be fine". No questions, no judgement, no pity. Just plain encouragement. How many Indian women born in the 1920s would have that attitude?

#3 - My college friends (you know who you are)

Amazing, Awesome, Accomplished, Ambitious. I ran out of 'A's. Also, down to earth, fun, and uncomplicated. People who generally shared my values. And were all-around fun! Especially (but not limited to) the other 3 members of the gang who some guy labeled 'the Fearsome Foursome' (thanks for the compliment, guy!). 

Girls who had the guts to do what they were interested in, even if it wasn't the popular thing to do - e.g. sticking with a particular branch of engineering that was supposedly not female-friendly, rather than change to computer engg. or electronics like everyone else was (including me). Heading to the US for grad school in spite of pressure to get married before going. Or, having the guts to stand up to harassment from a criminally-inclined perverted fellow student from Bihar.   Showing natural leadership and organizing ability in a 90% male-dominated environment. And not being guy-crazed, at a time when a lot of girls can be guy-crazed. Very much head-on-shoulders (until they met the men they married, at which point anyone can be excused for being swept away :-) My batchmates, as well as some seniors and juniors. They lived (and still live) life on their own terms. 

When I met you girls, at the ripe old age of 18, I finally felt like I fit in. Hugs and gratitude to you all!

#4 - The Singapore Sisterhood of Supportive, Savvy, Sensible, Stylish Moms

I was going to add another adjective starting with 'S', but thought the better of it. Again, you know who you all are. Hey, three of your names start with 'S'!
(alright, i'll stop with the alliteration).

So 'S' number 1 - one of my best pals (though also a cousin). Always there for me, in the best and worst of times.  Someone who, the very first time I spoke to her, I chatted with for over half an hour! It was a natural fit. An awesome friend, and an even awesomer mom. So what if we're both only children? She's like the sister I never had.

My party pal gals. The ones who would always be game to go out and party almost every weekend, after all our kids were safely tucked in bed. All hail the US Navy ;-) Thank you for keeping my spirits alive, your super-cool moms.

Another pal who always appealed to my independent streak. World traveler, adventurer, trusted secret-keeper, lots-of-messaging-on-whatsapp-er. Love your spirit.

Last but certainly not least, a few good friends from the last condo we lived in. Again, fun, accepting, smart, take-no-prisoners attitude. One invited me in for tea 30 seconds after I'd met her in the lift. Another introduced me to a life-changing spiritual practice. And two others who were moms of my son's closest friends, and took care of him when I had to travel, and who were always game to have him over to play. How I wish I'd been there longer to get you know you all more!

#5 - My Mother In Law

Let me be clear. I wasn't desperate or lonely or miserable or any of those cliches. I did not go looking for a man. But there just happened to be a very broad-minded friend of my mom's, who also kind of knew me, and who could see me as a normal human being who was worth something (well, maybe the 'normal' part is questionable). But she did not just think of me as some pathetic-throw-away-divorced-woman-with-a-kid (like much of our wonderful society did).  

She suggested that her son re-connect with me. He did (thank goodness for Facebook). We became best friends, then more, then got married. 

And no, for the cynics amongst you, this is not just flattery. You should know me better than that.

Independence - Part 1(b)

The Independence Movement

Part 1(b): 'Super Men' Who Support Me

I have been incredibly lucky to have wonderful men in my life, young and old, who have given me strength and courage during my journey. I want to express gratitude and let them know how blessed I am to have them. I also hope that other men are inspired to be as much of a treasure to their wives, daughters, sisters and mothers as mine have been to me. I will try not to cry as I write this. And since I have been brought up in a somewhat superstitious family - knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood for all of these blessings.

• My amazing father. The kindest, toughest, most compassionate, most courageous soul I know. A REAL man and real-life superhero. For those of you familiar with my Buddhist practice, he is a true "boddhisattva". If it wasn't for my dad, I wouldn't have had even a fraction of the spiritual understanding, resilience, and optimism that has kept me going through my life. My mom was a huge supporter and cheerleader for me, but if Dad hadn't allowed me the room to grow, yet another female spark would have been snuffed out. He has always had the guts to do what was right for me, even if it went against conventional wisdom, and when he had hundreds of well-meaning (and not-so-well-meaning) people offering contrary advice.

• My amazing husband. What can I say here without embarrassing him? He's my best friend, and his default attitude is to let me be me. He wants me to do my best and live my dreams. His calmness balances out my constant need to do things. He says I'm a role model (and I'm pretty sure he means it). I am floored by that one.
  
• (so much for not crying while writing this)

• My amazing sons. Both of them. Our young man who is starting high school this month, for being a sweet, mature, helpful big brother and overall easygoing kid who doesn't complain about my cooking, or about much else, for that matter. And our little one who shows understanding and compassion far beyond his 8 years. He makes me smile every day, and even goes around telling his friends he's proud of the work his mommy is doing (as long as I don't spend too much time in the office :-)

• My uncles (maternal and paternal), and my father-in-law. I've grouped them because they're similar in their attitudes towards me. Mostly non-judgmental, supportive people who always have time to talk to me and take an interest in my life. They are never critical or disapproving, always kind and appreciative.

• My (cousin) brothers - I used to feel bad that I didn't have brothers, but then I found that I actually do. So what if they are technically cousins. great guys who love teasing me but equally love providing support and encouragement (and entertainment and cricket news and gourmet recipes and good company for my boys)!

• My friends. The men, I mean (I will dedicate an entire post to my girl friends!). Having gone to a 90% male engineering college, followed by business school and workplaces that have been predominantly male, I have a good number of male friends who I value.  They have been supportive and helpful (in times of need) and just plain good company (in times of fun!). I am lucky for having had classmates and colleagues who have been friends for years, and will be for many more.

 

Independence - Part 1(a)

The Independence Movement

Part 1a:  What Women's Independence Means for Me

On the eve of India's 67th Independence Day, I have been thinking quite a bit about what freedom and independence mean for women, and why they SHOULD mean something. Also, what factors would make, and break, a successful movement for women's equality. My focus is on the Indian cultural context, but I'm sure a lot of this applies to other cultures as well.

So what do I mean by independence for women?

1. Above all, Emotional independence. This is a basic requirement for happiness for anyone, male or female, married or single. The more someone depends on someone else's actions/ support/ approval to be happy, the less control they have over their own emotions, and the less secure they feel. This, in turn, means that they 

a) cling more desperately to their spouses/ kids/ parents/ friends, trying desperately to control their actions and even their thoughts. Or, 

b) they spend countless hours convincing themselves and others why other peoples' kids/ husbands/ in-laws/ decisions/ looks/ houses/ clothes/ jewelry/ etc. etc. are not as good as theirs.

I will admit that at times in my life, I have been somewhat guilty of (a). I'm human and I'm still learning. But not really (b) though - I don't think that's me. Which is why (b) irritates the heck out of me. What a waste of a brain, precious time, and energy.

2. Independence of expression. The right to have an opinion (even if it differs from the 'mainstream' or that of the men in the family), to voice it (without fear of retribution), to be heard, and to make decisions. Not to make decisions for other adults, but for themselves, and for their children. In some cases these should be joint decisions, in some cases women should have the freedom to make their own choices. Why? Because every human being needs to feel like they have some control and some worth in their own lives. Otherwise, they are no different from slaves or animals.

3. Physical independence. Control over their own bodies, and the ability to get around without having to be in fear or be dependent on men to protect them. I won't get into detail on the 'control over one's own body' topic. There is plenty of opinion in the media on that nowadays. What may not be clear to everyone is that lack of physical safety and freedom of movement has a real economic and social cost. Economic, because women (like me) who need to travel on work find themselves unable to go places they need to go alone. Which means we need extra security (costs money) or extra personnel (male colleagues who can go instead of the women (again, costs money). Social cost, because then the travel-constrained women are held back in their career development, or simply unable to go out and socialize as much as they would like. Isolation is not good for any society.

4. Financial independence. There is a reason I've listed this last - because in the absence of 1 through 3 above, #4 doesn't mean much. By advocating financial independence, I don't mean that stay-at-home moms are any less worthy than working women. I do think, however, that every woman should have:

a) the ability to earn a comfortable income if she so chooses (or is forced to choose by circumstance). If she chooses not to work, that's fine. But she needs to have the ability to support herself and others if the need arises.

b) a basic understanding of where and how money is being earned, spent, and saved.

What do I NOT mean by women's independence?

I do not ascribe to any philosophy which suggests men should be inferior to women, or makes it ok for women to blame men for everything that is wrong in their lives. We need mutual respect in order to co-exist. I think the right kind of men can be good allies in our movement for freedom.

Having described my definition of independence, I will next give credit to the allies who have helped me get the independence I have.

The creation (and taming) of a bully...it all starts at home

The creation (and taming) of a bully

I'm not a psychologist. So the views expressed in this post are going to be (as in other posts) entirely unscientific. They are based on own my observations of human kind, as well as stories that I've heard over the years. My point is to emphasize just how important parents are as role models. Everything, and I mean everything, starts at home.

Countless times in my life, I have seen and heard people expressing surprise at why and how a bully became that way. I don't think there's any mystery to it. The capacity to bully and abuse exists inherently in all of us, as does the capacity to be a victim. In my mind, there are two key factors that make the difference between someone who acts on this tendency and someone who doesn't:

1) Seeing bullying/ abusive behavior role modeled by parents or other household members, and

2) Observing, time and again, that the bully faced no consequences for their actions. That he/ she never had to take responsibility for mistakes, and then do the hard work to fix their behavior.

We all know that abuse is all about power and control - not about any underlying differences of opinion, not because of difficult circumstances, and certainly not the victim's fault (more on this later). Mature, well-balanced adults negotiate their way through life - both with other adults and kids. They recognize that other human beings are, well, human beings, with the same right to opinions/ feelings/ freedoms as they themselves have. The same inherent nature. Even children. No, ESPECIALLY children. 

Also, I must point out that most of my theory is gender-neutral. Yes, social constructs do generally put women in the inferior position, but I have seen it go both ways.

So - step #1. A child grows up in a household where someone always gets their way, by forcing their opinion on others. If the 'others' don't comply, the bully makes sure that they do, by inflicting emotional/ financial/ physical or other types of pain on them. Why does he/ she do this? Probably a feeling of powerlessness and fear - they are unable or unwilling to deal with the realities of events and other people, so are desperate to control everything and everyone around them. Even the weather, if they can help it. Also probably because something or someone fundamentally broke their trust in other people.

Step #2 - The child observes that the bully (a) indeed got their way and (b) faced no consequences for their abusive behavior. This is a very important point. The bully faced no consequences for his behavior, because the victim (I hate using that word) did not or could not be vocal in expressing dissent. And of course, the bully has never been in 'weak' enough position to admit fault, apologize SINCERELY, and take steps to improve. The child may have observed the perpetrator give fake apologies to win back the victim after having beaten him/ her down with words/ actions. But then over time, she realizes that the apologies, too, are a means of manipulation. The perpetrator can't stand the thought of embarrassment - they want everyone to like them - so will, if necessary, apologize profusely to fool their victim into trusting them once again.

Go back to Step #1. The cycle continues.

Over time, this poor child is conditioned into thinking that he/ she has to either become an abuser, or be the abused. It's very black or white - no grey areas. I think to a large extent, it is the child's own personality and self-esteem that drive which parent the child models themselves on. But there are only two role models for the child to choose from - power-crazed or power-less.

The one who models himself on the 'power-crazed' himself becomes a bully. Even though, growing up, he felt terribly sorry for the household member he saw being abused. And even if life has given them best of education, wealth, social status, and health. 

The one who models himself on the 'powerless' will play that same role - one of complete submission and helplessness - in every relationship in their lives. It manifests at work, with parents, with children, and most of all, with their spouse. They assume that the only way people will be nice to them is if they agree to everything they are told. Meanwhile, the built-up resentment is eating them from inside.

So, what's the 'silver lining' in this seemingly hopeless scenario?

First, a 'victim' can unilaterally put a stop to his or her suffering. Unilaterally.

Once they have realized that they are as valuable as the next person. And that true peace of mind is not relative but absolute. If the only true source of happiness is within you, no one else can take it away! 

With the complete freedom of knowing that no one else can take away what really matters, a person can take whatever steps are necessary to (a) speak up against unfair behavior and (b) not allow themselves to be manipulated any more. The only opinions that matter are those of people who truly love and value your happiness. Everyone else is just throwing stones from their glass houses. 

Speaking up is critically important. If there are kids around, it is a moral duty. But I don't mean 'speaking up' as in 'yelling back angrily'. That doesn't work, it only fans the flames. The only effective response is to be non-reactive - neither give them what they want, nor argue about why they're wrong. And remove yourself from the situation, if needed.

Second, bullies can be tamed. 

When a bully sees that their anger no longer has its intended effect (i.e. to make the other person miserable), they are reduced to complete helplessness. Exposed as the powerless, pathetic cowards that they really are. Once rendered powerless, they may not stop the behavior (if they completely lack a conscience), or they might finally decided to admit there's a problem. Either way, it is critical for them to face consequences.If they never do, they will never have to admit there is a problem, which means they will never, ever change.

So quiet acquiescence is NEVER the way to stop a bully. All it does is egg them on.

I have seen the most twisted, conscience-lacking people dissolve into a helpless, child-like state in the face of calm non-reaction. 

But back to my original point. As adults, we owe it to the kids around us to not allow ourselves to be abused, not be abusers ourselves, and to hold kids responsible for their actions. Not tell them it's someone else's fault that they broke the toy, hurt someone, or didn't get good grades. Not to jump in and rescue them every time they act irresponsibly.

This is where I will bring gender into the picture. All too often, and that too in my culture, we tend to let the boys' mistakes ride. Because, after all, 'boys will be boys'. Well, unfortunately, those boys become men, with responsibility and families. So when they grow up and become bullies, it is downright silly for their parents to express surprise at their behavior, and to act helpless. It is equally senseless to expect the women these men end up with to somehow 'fix' them. How many times have we seen/ heard people say "so and so has a real temper/ inability to take responsibility/ [insert choice of human flaw]. We'll need to find him a really soft, accommodating wife who can set him right/ do all his work for him/ make up for his shortcomings". Gimme a break. Even in Indian mythology, there is a story of how Parvathi created her son Ganesha to fight against the unjust rage of her temperamental husband, Shiva.

It is too late to fix people once they have become adults. Much much too late, unless somehow they feel that threat of consequences outweighs the seductive allure of power.

So, let's resolve to get it right from the very beginning.

  

The brighter side of 'dark'ness

The brighter side of 'dark'ness

I am Indian-American. An almost inescapable implication of Indian-ness (especially female Indian-ness) is that some other Indian person, at some point in your life, has commented on your skin color. Either "oh look how beautifully fair you are or "you look dark and thin. haven't you been eating/ sleeping/ taking care of your skin...and where on earth will you find a husband?!!"

In my case, as it is for millions of other Indian girls I'm sure, I was reminded of my darkness (and therefore, ugliness) by not just one but numerous relatives, family 'friends', and ultimately, parents of men looking for wives. It started with my maternal grandmother, a very beautiful and intelligent woman by any standard. Especially since she had white skin, and so did all of her children. Who were all (and still are at age 60+) very good looking. So you can imagine her shock and horror when (after she had married her daughter off to a dark-skinned man), the baby that resulted from the union (i.e. me), had predominantly her dad's non-white genes. Which meant she spent the next 18 years (plus a few more here and there) trying desperately to rid me of what were essentially my non-Aryan characteristics - frizzy thick hair, brown skin, and somewhat un-Caucasian figure. "You need to figure out how to tame your hair!" she would admonish. "OMG, you need to lose those hips!".  And this was when I weighed barely 100 lbs. I am 5'4".

What my grandma started, others most ably supported and indeed, took to a higher level. My paternal grandfather (who was born in the first decade of the 20th century), was decidedly NOT fair. And yet, the first statement out of his mouth every time he'd see me: "How'd you get so dark?" (ummmm...did you look at yourself in the mirror, grandpa?). Over the remainder of the time until I was of 'marriageable' age, various other relatives fanned the flames. They shall remain unnamed. 

The negative end-result of all this was to convince me, deep down, that I really wasn't worth much in the 'looks' and image' department.

Fast forward 15 or so years. We're at a family get-together, sharing laughs, and I hear myself unable to resist making digs (albeit humorous ones) at my late grandma. Afterwards, I am a little guilty and a little disappointed in myself, because I don't like to think of myself as angry and bitter over something that no longer has any impact on my life. Also, I really did love and respect my grandma. She was one strong woman.

So I started thinking, is there an upside to all of those negative messages I heard growing up? Don't get me wrong - it is absolutely unacceptable to discriminate on ANY basis. But had I gained some latent benefit from having had to cope with such bias?

The answer, after much reflection, was a resounding "yes". Here's why:

I knew my looks wouldn't get me anywhere, so decided my brain and hard work would have to. And I believe they did. at least as much as I hoped for.

I assumed (wrongly), that I wouldn't find a husband, so decided I'd need to take care of myself. And I learned to be independent.

I  didn't spend hours obsessing over makeup, hair styling, and outfits. There is nothing wrong with doing that, just that I didn't do it. Instead, I spent my time reading voraciously about current affairs, economics, business, spirituality, anything interesting I could get my hands on. As a result, I have a variety of different interests which make my life fuller and breaking the ice with strangers, much easier!

I was especially lucky that because my mom and dad never felt the need to compete with others, they never compared me (favorably or unfavorably) with their nieces and nephews. How freeing not to have to deal with petty politics and sibling rivalry!

I was freed from being overly vain (though I'm not completely free of vanity), and so I could look outward more than inward. And maybe this helped me gain compassion towards others. Not enough, yet, but I'm getting there.

All in all, I am grateful for having been 'dark' and less than perfect. 

Ironically, I recently had another woman look daggers at me when I was dressed up for an event. She openly scowled with what was obviously envy. 'Dark' and 'unattractive' me was hardly prepared for something like that. It was another woman who, undoubtedly, must have heard the same negative messages growing up, but was still burdened with that baggage well into her thirties. Thank goodness my burden is lighter now, because I might have been a little like that when I was a teenager. I hope her baggage lightens as well. Life is too short to carry that stuff around.

In another ironic twist of fate, one of the physical attributes my grandma tried most to change about me is the same one my husband finds the most attractive :-)

My first blog post ever!

Here goes...

It's been two years now since I first thought of starting a blog. I've always had the inspiration to write about the many lessons life has taught me, and some that I am still yet to learn. But for the longest time, I wasn't sure it would serve my purpose - i.e. to help others with similar challenges. After all, who was I to think I had the right answers?

But over the course of time, I have realized that we human beings don't usually solve our problems by copy-pasting someone else's advice verbatim into the document of our own lives. So we all don't necessarily have to agree on a single viewpoint. And we don't have to take it personally when people disagree. Simply STARTING a discussion about a difficult issue can spark ideas, debate, and finally, help us create our own solutions to problems. My intention is just to start discussions on important issues which aren't always discussed. I don't think I have all the answers. 

First and foremost, this blog is about learning to take responsibility. For shaping our lives, for our own happiness, and for creating our own solutions.

Second, it is for anyone who has ever felt like a victim. Several years ago, I heard someone say "There are no victims, only volunteers", to which I retorted "easy for her to say, she isn't trapped in a hopeless situation like me". Now I know without a doubt that victims are just people who haven't found their power yet. All they need is a change of perspective. 

I should know. I've been there. For the first 34 years of my life, I was a scared, powerless victim of what I believed to be my unchangeable fate. I had a challenging childhood, which led to low self-esteem, and therefore to a poor life decision made largely out of fear. Largely my fault for giving into imaginary social pressures. Naturally, 9 more years of victim hood followed.

One has to break down completely in order to break free. So when I finally broke down, 5 years ago, I decided never again to live my life like someone else was pulling the strings. I chose to live like everything WAS going well for me, like I ALREADY HAD everything that I needed, and that I would take each day and live it like it was the only one I had.

As a result, I became a much better mother than I had ever been (in spite of having just become a single parent). I found confidence at work, built a wide network of new friends, played with my 3-year old like I WAS a three year old, and found things to laugh about with him every day. People who met me even a few weeks into this change said that even my outward appearance had been transformed. Along the way, I discovered a powerful spiritual practice that aligned perfectly with my new found attitude.

Does this mean that my life is without challenges now? No, and it never will be. I believe in karma, but I also believe in our power to influence and transform it. Life will keep throwing us challenges until we learn the lessons we are meant to learn. It is up to us to change the poison into medicine.

So here goes. My attempt to pay it forward. I hope it helps someone, even if just a little bit.