The creation (and taming) of a bully
I'm not a psychologist. So the views expressed in this post are going to be (as in other posts) entirely unscientific. They are based on own my observations of human kind, as well as stories that I've heard over the years. My point is to emphasize just how important parents are as role models. Everything, and I mean everything, starts at home.
Countless times in my life, I have seen and heard people expressing surprise at why and how a bully became that way. I don't think there's any mystery to it. The capacity to bully and abuse exists inherently in all of us, as does the capacity to be a victim. In my mind, there are two key factors that make the difference between someone who acts on this tendency and someone who doesn't:
1) Seeing bullying/ abusive behavior role modeled by parents or other household members, and
2) Observing, time and again, that the bully faced no consequences for their actions. That he/ she never had to take responsibility for mistakes, and then do the hard work to fix their behavior.
We all know that abuse is all about power and control - not about any underlying differences of opinion, not because of difficult circumstances, and certainly not the victim's fault (more on this later). Mature, well-balanced adults negotiate their way through life - both with other adults and kids. They recognize that other human beings are, well, human beings, with the same right to opinions/ feelings/ freedoms as they themselves have. The same inherent nature. Even children. No, ESPECIALLY children.
Also, I must point out that most of my theory is gender-neutral. Yes, social constructs do generally put women in the inferior position, but I have seen it go both ways.
So - step #1. A child grows up in a household where someone always gets their way, by forcing their opinion on others. If the 'others' don't comply, the bully makes sure that they do, by inflicting emotional/ financial/ physical or other types of pain on them. Why does he/ she do this? Probably a feeling of powerlessness and fear - they are unable or unwilling to deal with the realities of events and other people, so are desperate to control everything and everyone around them. Even the weather, if they can help it. Also probably because something or someone fundamentally broke their trust in other people.
Step #2 - The child observes that the bully (a) indeed got their way and (b) faced no consequences for their abusive behavior. This is a very important point. The bully faced no consequences for his behavior, because the victim (I hate using that word) did not or could not be vocal in expressing dissent. And of course, the bully has never been in 'weak' enough position to admit fault, apologize SINCERELY, and take steps to improve. The child may have observed the perpetrator give fake apologies to win back the victim after having beaten him/ her down with words/ actions. But then over time, she realizes that the apologies, too, are a means of manipulation. The perpetrator can't stand the thought of embarrassment - they want everyone to like them - so will, if necessary, apologize profusely to fool their victim into trusting them once again.
Go back to Step #1. The cycle continues.
Over time, this poor child is conditioned into thinking that he/ she has to either become an abuser, or be the abused. It's very black or white - no grey areas. I think to a large extent, it is the child's own personality and self-esteem that drive which parent the child models themselves on. But there are only two role models for the child to choose from - power-crazed or power-less.
The one who models himself on the 'power-crazed' himself becomes a bully. Even though, growing up, he felt terribly sorry for the household member he saw being abused. And even if life has given them best of education, wealth, social status, and health.
The one who models himself on the 'powerless' will play that same role - one of complete submission and helplessness - in every relationship in their lives. It manifests at work, with parents, with children, and most of all, with their spouse. They assume that the only way people will be nice to them is if they agree to everything they are told. Meanwhile, the built-up resentment is eating them from inside.
So, what's the 'silver lining' in this seemingly hopeless scenario?
First, a 'victim' can unilaterally put a stop to his or her suffering. Unilaterally.
Once they have realized that they are as valuable as the next person. And that true peace of mind is not relative but absolute. If the only true source of happiness is within you, no one else can take it away!
With the complete freedom of knowing that no one else can take away what really matters, a person can take whatever steps are necessary to (a) speak up against unfair behavior and (b) not allow themselves to be manipulated any more. The only opinions that matter are those of people who truly love and value your happiness. Everyone else is just throwing stones from their glass houses.
Speaking up is critically important. If there are kids around, it is a moral duty. But I don't mean 'speaking up' as in 'yelling back angrily'. That doesn't work, it only fans the flames. The only effective response is to be non-reactive - neither give them what they want, nor argue about why they're wrong. And remove yourself from the situation, if needed.
Second, bullies can be tamed.
When a bully sees that their anger no longer has its intended effect (i.e. to make the other person miserable), they are reduced to complete helplessness. Exposed as the powerless, pathetic cowards that they really are. Once rendered powerless, they may not stop the behavior (if they completely lack a conscience), or they might finally decided to admit there's a problem. Either way, it is critical for them to face consequences.If they never do, they will never have to admit there is a problem, which means they will never, ever change.
So quiet acquiescence is NEVER the way to stop a bully. All it does is egg them on.
I have seen the most twisted, conscience-lacking people dissolve into a helpless, child-like state in the face of calm non-reaction.
But back to my original point. As adults, we owe it to the kids around us to not allow ourselves to be abused, not be abusers ourselves, and to hold kids responsible for their actions. Not tell them it's someone else's fault that they broke the toy, hurt someone, or didn't get good grades. Not to jump in and rescue them every time they act irresponsibly.
This is where I will bring gender into the picture. All too often, and that too in my culture, we tend to let the boys' mistakes ride. Because, after all, 'boys will be boys'. Well, unfortunately, those boys become men, with responsibility and families. So when they grow up and become bullies, it is downright silly for their parents to express surprise at their behavior, and to act helpless. It is equally senseless to expect the women these men end up with to somehow 'fix' them. How many times have we seen/ heard people say "so and so has a real temper/ inability to take responsibility/ [insert choice of human flaw]. We'll need to find him a really soft, accommodating wife who can set him right/ do all his work for him/ make up for his shortcomings". Gimme a break. Even in Indian mythology, there is a story of how Parvathi created her son Ganesha to fight against the unjust rage of her temperamental husband, Shiva.
It is too late to fix people once they have become adults. Much much too late, unless somehow they feel that threat of consequences outweighs the seductive allure of power.
So, let's resolve to get it right from the very beginning.
